Friday, June 19, 2009

I walke the line like Johnny Cash

Truth of it is: It's almost 80 degrees in my room at midnight, and the humidity feels like 100%. Yesterday we had tornadoes, and I've had a long week. I haven't written much in the past two weeks, making everything feel longer.

Whenever I think too much about getting published, its harder to write. The publishing aspect is terrifying and overwhelming, and it seems impossible. It's like the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know anything about writing a book.

And in the end, as much as I love my book, as well written as I think it is, how do I know if its actually good, if other people with read it? How can I know that? I have no experience with this sorta thing. I am very good at calling what's going to be successful and what's going to fail in the way of TV shows, movies, and music, so I guess I have an idea of what's popular. But I can't clearly see my work.

I'm always afraid that I'm a really, really bad author, and I just don't' know it.

I watched The Dark Knight twice today, instead of writing. It felt better somehow.

I think that's part of what's frustrating me right now. I want to write about someone like Christian Bale that kicks total ass. But I don't know how to write that. My superhero story idea tanked (the execution is wrong) and I don't know how to write a graphic novel. Someday, I'd really like to. That is, if I can ever get my regular novels off the ground.

Kalli really wants me to finish the third book in the My Blood Approves series, and I really should. I always would like to finish the second in the Switched series. Maybe I should just stick with one and force myself to finish it. I'll prolly feel better then.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

the room the sun and the sky

I finished Switched last week, and I think it turned really good. I started the sequel, but I haven't gotten very far. I think I need a little break. I've been writing almost continuously since January, while also reading and editing my own books, and reading a few other books. So my heart just isn't in it this week, I guess.

I've been working on Aether a little bit, tho, the third book in the Blood Approves series. Finished a new chapter the other night, and that was good.

Right now I'm just obsessing over getting things published. I hate how I'm required to wait about everything. I understand how hard and irritating it must be to be an agent. I remember the first book I wrote (not completely terrible, but not any good either) and those ridiculous query letters I sent off. I had no idea what I was doing, and I'm sure so many other people are the same way.

I've also read stuff from people who thought they were writers, and the work is barely legible. I've read really good stuff, too, so I'm not knocking anyone in general. I just know that agents have to sift through thousands of letters of poorly written, incomplete, random diatribes. And on top of all that, I'm sure they find hundreds of half-way decent to really good books that they have to choose from, since they don't have the resources to represent every single good book that crosses their desks. I understand that, and I empathize with their plight, and try to add to as little as possible.

But I really want my book published, and I think it's good enough. It's complete, edited as best I possibly can at this point, and it's entertaining. I did tons of research and was open to criticism. I'm not a perfect writer, and anywhere I can improve, I should improve.

And at the same time - I have read published books that were much worse than mine.  I don't understand how that happens. There are some things that are matter of aesthetics. I personally don't understand why everyone raves about The Old Man and the Sea, and I once got in a heated debate with my grandma (who is very well read) because I think Catcher in the Rye is brilliant and she hated it. They're both well written books, but they're not for everyone.

My book IS for everyone. Who likes urban fantasy/young adult/romance with lots of 80's references and pop culture anecdotes. (Is it shocking that my hero came of age in the 80's and turned into a vampire in 1994 - the greatest year of all time?)

The fact is that I'm going to keep writing whether or not I get published, and my writing is going to improve. I really hit my stride this past year, and it's only going to get better from here. I understand that.

Lou Diamond Phillips told me to never give up on my dream. I think he was making some point about how he is living the dream (this said unironically while sitting in the jungle where Janice Dickenson pees and his last movie being Carnivale debuting on the Sci-Fi channel and the only way anybody knows who he is is from movies he did over twenty years ago). But the this is, Lou is right, and not just because I've had a crush on him for most of my life or because I really love The Big Hit. It's beacuse you can't give up on them.

Someday I'll suceed. I would just enjoy it more if it were sooner rather than later.