Dear Jonathan Taylor Thomas:
On you're twenty-ninth birthday (or the day after, when this posts), I think its time to take a moment to reflect upon your life. All the things you've accomplished. Six or seven seasons on Home Improvement, the voice of Simba, maintaing flawless skin throughout your teenage years, graduating from Columbia with a degree in something science-y, and successfully avoiding the pitfalls of young Hollywood.
So kudos to you for doing something that only about 4 other actors have done before you. (I'm thinking Natalie Portman, Claire Danes, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Neil Patrick Harris. So you're in very good company.) (But why do all the boys have 3 names?)
But you know what the rest of those people did differently than you? They still act.
Don't get me wrong. That's not a bash against you. I just think that it's time you come back. You took some time off. You grew up off-camera for awhile. But it's been at least 5 years since I've seen you on film, and that's long enough.
Do you know who the number one heartthrob in America is right now? Robert Pattinson. No disrepect meant to him or his fans, but have you seen him?
He does deep brooding vampires well and good, but let's be honest, he's no Jonathan Taylor Thomas. An entire generation is being deprived of your acting chops and your illogically perfect skin.
Sure, I did go through a phase where I questioned my sexuality when I realized that you look exactly like Jo from Facts of Life. Then I realized that you're both just really pretty and she's a little butch and I got over it.
You also look much like a young Val Kilmer, but I'm not going into that now, because then I'd have go into that whole thing about how Val Kilmer doesn't look like Val Kilmer anymore, and that's too long and too off-point.
The point is: It's time to come back.
And Happy Birthday!
Sincerely, your fan,