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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Some Random Things From Two Years Ago

I'm reading old blogs from previous blog incarnations of mine (namely, myspace.) And I'm making myself laugh. As a result, I've decided to clip and paste some of my favorite parts. This is really best I had to say from 2009. There's some stuff about me writing books, too. Which is fun.

"I do really hard things every day. I'm like a super hero. I know they're really hard things because nobody else can do them. For example, there was ketchup spilled on the counter, but it was so hard to get off, that people had to leave it there so it would dry and get hard and then I could clean it off at 11:30 at night. That's how hard it was. Good thing I'm such a super hero. Otherwise that ketchup might have been there until the end of time."

*          *          *

"Here's the thing: CGI is just like Keanu Reeves: it looks good, it's useful in moderation in action movies, but there's no substance. And puppetry is like Meryl Streep: no matter how you use it, or how small the part, it always carries the film."

*          *          *

"I am listening to Taylor Hanson and liking it. I feel I've won."

*          *          *

"Ponyboy Curtis. Worst name EVER."

*          *          *

"Being me sure is an unnecessary adventure. And by adventure, I mean not an adventure."

*          *          *

"Good thing I didn't have that new Verizon hub. How does that even work as a house phone anyway? And do you really need to text from you home phone? Eventually people will just stop speaking entirely. George Orwell is like Nostradamus."

*          *          *

"Jim Henson makes you cool. It's a well-known fact. Find a cool person, ask them if they dig Jim Henson. If they don't, then they're not really cool. It's all an act."

*          *          *

"From a blog posted on March 27, 2009: I'm working harder than I've ever worked before. And I don't know what more to do. I mean, I'm not gonna stop trying. Ever.

But I would like to try a different approach, since this one doesn't seem to be working, and doing the same thing I always do will get me the same things I've always gotten. So if anyone has any ideas, I'll take them all. If I ever want my books to get published, I've got to do something to make it happen, but I'm not entirely sure what that it is."

*          *          *

"I stand by the Chuck Palahniuk quote I posted the other day. The one where we're all sheep. Insectile. Thinking the same thought. One memory. All that jazz. But today, instead of thinking it's sad and wrong, I enjoy it. I have no social life. But I sure do feel connected, knowing that at least 20,000 other people watched Jimmy Fallon and did the exact same thing as me. Never underestimate the power of the masses."

*          *          *

"By the time I read the end of 1984, I was thinking that communism was a good idea. Big Brother totally turned me around to his way of thinking. I've never understood if that was the intention of the book or not. Like Animal Farm scared me, and I think it might be why pigs scare me now. But after 1984, I was like, 'Man, I'm jealous. It seems like Big Brother has life figured out.' Cause he totally did."

*          *          *

"From a blog posted March 11, 2009: Once, I watched this movie with Albert Brooks  in it, and he was a writer. I used to be really into him for awhile. I was like 12, and I was like, 'Yeah, I totally relate to you 40-year-old Jewish neurotic.'

Anyway - in the movie Albert Brooks is trying to figure out why his mom hates him, so he stays with her. When he's cleaning out her sowing room, he finds all these short stories on the top shelf of her closet. She wrote this really great one about Amelia Earhardt that he just loved, but they were all dated a long time ago, like before Albert Brooks was born.

So Albert Brooks takes this stories to his mom, and he's says, 'These are good. Why didn't you get these published? I never knew you wrote. Why didn't you tell me you wrote? Do you still write?' And she talks about being a woman in the 50's or whatever, and having kids, and how that just went on the back burner, and blah blah. There's a really neat moral to the story, but if you want to see you have to watch the film. (It's called Mother and it also stars Debbie Reynolds. So it's pretty good).

My point is: Sometimes I wonder if that'll be me someday. Like when I'm dead or old and crazy, and somebody's cleaning out my house, and they'll be all, 'What? I never knew she wrote. Huh.' If that's what the culmination of my life's work will be. Manuscripts in the closet of a spare room."

*          *          *

"For what it’s worth, Marilyn Manson is one of the few consistently awesome musicians out there. I always enjoy his music. Well, everything after 'Portrait of an American Family.' I wish he would drop the whole 'oh look at me I'm dark and mysterious and evil or something' schtick. Nobody thinks he's hardcore. His music is better than he is, but it's like goth pop. Metallic new wave. It's about as hardcore as lima beans. I love his always. But seriously? You're 40. Grow up."

*          *          *

"For true, this is like one of the proudest stories of my life. The very first time I saw The Sixth Sense without knowing anything about it, I went to see it with Tiffany Newman in the old Sterling Three Theater. And right away, after Bruce Willis got shot, I said, 'I bet he's dead.' And I won"

*          *          *


"I was like the lamest kid. But I'm not lame now. I'm super cool. I'm the third coolest person you've ever met. So there. I was like an ugly duckling that turned into a fancy loon. That's right. No swans here. Swans are dicks."
*          *          *

"If I were a magic 8 ball, I would say, 'Reply hazy, try again.' And then when you tried again, 'Outlook not so good.' That's what I would say. But there's 1 in 20 chance that if you asked me if I liked Batman, I would say, 'My sources say no.' So as a magic 8 ball, I wouldn't be completely accurate."

*          *          *

"I've been saying 'Take it!' a lot really aggressively when things happen contrary to the way other people want it too. I'm starting to feel like a rapist as a result. And not in a good way."

*          *          *

"You guys, Evan Almighty is a really good movie. I don't care what you think. I have issues with impatience, and I know that I need to learn better. And I always think of Evan when Morgran Freeman was all, 'When you ask for patience, does God just give you patience or does he give an opportunity to be patient?' And for some reason, that makes me feel better. Even though I don't believe in Morgan Freeman."

*          *          *

"Forever is a long time. Time is a wicked, wicked fiend that always seems to speed up when it should slow down, and slow down when it should speed up. It never ever gets the pace just right."

*          *          *

"Okay. The thing is that writing really excites me, and it’s like five in the morning. I mean, this is what I live for. For true. Heroin addicts have heroin, terrorists have terror, and I have book comas. I know that would've had better symmetry if I was like a book comaist, but that's not a word."

*          *          *

"I sure do like people that I don't actually have to interact with... like celebrities and fictional characters and old home movies. Someday, I'll probably be a hermit. I require a very small amount of human interaction."

*          *          *

"Dear Savage Garden: There's a reason that you’re not still famous, but you're prolly the best thing to happen to Cherry Cola."

*          *          *


"I was downstairs, watching this "film" entitled Watchers from 1988. I missed the first five minutes, but there's lab experiments gone awry! There's something with big hairy arms killing people. The police think it's a sasquatch. Boy, are they in for a surprise. And then there's a Golden Retriever. And get this! He's smarter than Corey Haim! Will the wackiness ever end?

If I had a time machine, and it could only take me one place in time, I would not have it take me to five minutes before Heath Ledger took those pills or to November 1963 to tell JFK to maybe not drive around in a convertible that day.

No, no. It would be to somewhere in 1987, to the pitch meeting for Watchers. To hear an agent and screen writer and Corey Haim pitching this idea to someone, to see them nod their heads in approval... that would all be worth it to me."

29 comments:

  1. I enjoyed that post a lot. All the funny random bits, and also, "If I ever want my books to get published, I've got to do something to make it happen, but I'm not entirely sure what that it is."

    Nice to know you discovered what it was :o)

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  2. I don't know, but Sodapop Curtis is pretty lame, too. Interesting quotes.

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  3. I relate to some of your comments...I totally do not relate to what you say about Keanu Reeves.

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  4. Very funny trip down memory lane. And for what it is worth, I do agree that Ponyboy Curtis sucked as a name.

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  5. The puppet/Streep and Keaunu/CGI analogy was pure genius (as is the Jim Henson qualifier)! I also love that you've transformed into a lovely loon; swans really ARE dicks.

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  6. That was hilarious, loved it.

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  7. Ummm, you come with some crazy stuff. Love it!

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  8. This has the perfect snark to wit ratio. I love when writers rant. It's some of their best stuff. I often read my college journal, when my wife and I were just dating. It's crazy how wrong we were about stuff.

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  9. You are awesome. You pretty much just summed up Meryl Streep in the best line I've ever read about her.

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  10. I took a swig of diet coke when I was reading this. Coke now all over my laptop when I got to the 'Swans are dicks' part. Genius.

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  11. That was awesome. Batman *is* the greatest (just ask my steering wheel), I'm glad you didn't end up like Albert Brooks' mother, and you're spot on about the swans. It's like I've found my other half.

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  12. I'm also glad you didn't end up like Albert Brooks' mother, and I agree with you about Meryl Streep. (^_^)

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  13. I will always remember Debbie Reynolds getting the bag of salad out of the freezer for Albert Brooks! Haven't all our mothers done something like that sometime, that we swear we will never do. Then we probably end up doing something even weirder.

    My favorite part of Evan Almighty was the end. I like to think I'll get to do the dance someday (with Morgan Freeman or God, either is fine).

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  14. There is one part of this I really like and respect. That's this part here:

    "From a blog posted on March 27, 2009: I'm working harder than I've ever worked before. And I don't know what more to do. I mean, I'm not gonna stop trying. Ever."

    that must be something looking back at that now from where you're standing. you must be so happy you stuck with it. I'm curious to know if you ever felt like giving up or if you just sort of had a never say die mentality.

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  15. I agree with Materurbium. Self-pubbing is some hard work...I thought I had a tough time teaching seventh graders and finishing my Ed.S, but adding writing/editing/publishing/marketing upped the ante. Maybe some day I'll be so lucky as to enjoy the success you've had, Amanda, and then I can write all kinds of great books all day long, instead of cramming writing into every spare second. Speaking of, back to the research paper. Statistics are boring.

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  16. Also, Batman is indeed the greatest. I always have my students do a writing project where they imagine themselves as a superhero with a secret identity, and use Batman/Bruce Wayne as a prime example! (Don't tell DC, but Marvel is my favorite overall, though..)

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  17. The Keanu and Meryl Streep thing is so freaking true its ridiculous :) :) :)

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

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  18. Haha, I really enjoyed this one! Swans ARE dicks. We have a lake in the city near my house and there is this one swan that is just a big, white ball of hatred.

    I laughed pretty hard at your declaration of not being an entirely accurate 8-ball.

    There is a radio station that plays 90's at noon around here. They played Savage Garden the other day. Now that you've mentioned it, I'm going to have to dig up my old CDs!

    I have to disagree about lima beans. They are totally hardcore. How many people do you know that eat them? (I love them, personally.) Hardcore isn't for the faint of heart. Neither are lima beans.

    YA: Cheat, Liar, Coward
    Adult: Shackled

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  19. It disturbs me how much like me you are.

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  20. This is brilliant! I wish my past posts were this HILARIOUS and completely accurate. You're a super-hero, Amanda Hocking!

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  21. Amanda, you should read the Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.R. Ward. they are almost as amazing as My Blood Approves

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  22. These were hillarious and fun to read. The post excerpts where you talked about writing were fun. It's cool how things can change and yore such a success now.

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  23. Question, I know it's not Ask Mandy time any more, but... Why don't you believe in Morgan Freeman?

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  24. Oh my Freeman! I don't believe in Morgan Freeman either! We're afreetheist!

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  25. Loved your old blogs. If you get the chance, read Watchers. I thought the book was great; it was one of my favorites.

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  26. Got Morgan? He's pretty cool if you ever get to meet him :)

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  27. "From a blog posted on March 27, 2009: I'm working harder than I've ever worked before. And I don't know what more to do. I mean, I'm not gonna stop trying. Ever."

    Where there's a will, there's a way. Way to keep at it Amanda!

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  28. I LOVE Albert Brooks. He's such a fantastic actor and, yeah, he sounds completely over-the-top neurotic...but I find his voice really comforting. I think it's because it reminds me of Finding Nemo (just the most beautiful film, ever). Also...I know this goes without saying, but for the record, you are no "Mother", dear.

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