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Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Blog In Which I Express Theories on Val Kilmer

One of my very favorite movies as a small child was the hit film Willow.

(Other favorites include Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal, Legend, Ewoks: Caravan of Courage, and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. And in my defense of the Ewok movies - it's not my fault my grandma showed me Ewoks before she showed me Star Wars. I didn't see Star Wars until I was seven. And Ewoks are awesome.) (Okay, yes I get that Ewoks sorta ruin Return of the Jedi by basically saying that cannibalistic teddy bears are more powerful than the Force. But they're also really cute.) (And again, let me remind you, that I was a three-year-old girl when I first got into Ewoks). (And I love Warwick Davis).

Parenthetical asides aside, this is a blog about Val Kilmer and my mild obsession with him. It all began when I was a small child and saw Madmartigan, and I was like, "Hey, that dude is pretty."

So, I put a lot of thought into it, and I figured out why Val Kilmer got fat. And I'm not saying less hot, although I would classify him as "differently hot" now, but he's still got that Iceman oddly toothy smile that I feel like could totally bite of Tom Cruise's nose.

Okay, first of all, Val Kilmer plays by his own rules. And I don't mean in a "he's a rebel without a cause" kinda way. I mean in an An Artist Formerly Known as Prince kinda why, where when he says stuff like "I want to live in a house made of bubbles," he doesn't understand why that's not possible when you try to explain it to him.

Val Kilmer is clearly more in touch with reality than Prince (but hey, most people are). But still, he's a little bit of that, "Oh, what?" at times. But what makes Val Kilmer super awesome is that has that "I'm only kinda here" quality mixed with a wicked fast wit and he's crazy smart. So he can only be half there, and still be really condescending and put you down. It's the most awesome thing ever.

Anyway, Val Kilmer does not care what you think. Any of you. He really doesn't. So all these years when he's been working out and had washboard, rock hard abs, that was not for you. He did that because he loves acting and wanted good roles. But he did not give one smelly poop about being a sex symbol.

Then, in the early 90s, Val Kilmer worked on a film called The Doors with Oliver Stone. I'm only piecing this information together from interviews of Val Kilmer, so I don't have the exact details, but from what I understand is that Val Kilmer really, really dug the story of Alexander the Great.

So he says to Oliver Stone, "You need to make a movie about Alexander the Great. I could be Alexander. It would be awesome." And Oliver's like, "Nah." So for years and years, Val Kilmer keeps coming back to him and saying, "You should do this movie."

So finally, after like 15 years of nagging, Oliver Stone finally says, "Alright, I'll do it." And Val's like, "Yay!" And then Oliver says, "But you're too old. The studio wants some younger with a bigger name."

In steps Colin Farrell to play the role that Val Kilmer has been lobbying fifteen years for. (Colin Farrell is 17 years younger than Val Kilmer, so if Oliver Stone had made the movie way back when Val Kilmer would've been the right age).

But on the plus side, Val Kilmer gets to play Alexander's lame father, Philip. And Alexander goes on to be a box office failure.

The very next movie that Val Kilmer is in (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - one of my favorite movies ever), he's put on a good ... amount of weight. I don't know how much. I don't care. But he's clearly heftier.

So that's pretty much my theory. He'd basically been staying in shape to land roles, and when he realized that it didn't matter if he was in shape because he was now too old to land the roles he'd been fighting his whole career for, he was like, "Meh. I'm gonna eat some tacos."

And now, I see him in things, like Macgruber, and I'm like, "I have never loved you more. I know you don't care about anything except what you think. And that is so awesome."


Yep. I put too much thought into everything and everyone. And now I want to go watch something with Val Kilmer. If you wanted a selected filmography of my favorite things he's done, here it is:
  • Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
  • Willow
  • Real Genius
  • Top Gun
  • Wonderland
  • MacGruber
  • The Doors (which gets bonus points for starring Michael Wincott!)
  • Salton Sea
  • True Romance
  • Tombstone 
  • Heat
  • The Real McCoy
  • Red Planet
 I do also feel compelled to recommend The Island of Dr. Moraeu but go into it knowing you might really hate it. I also cannot recommend Batman Forever. As much as I love Val Kilmer, he's like cardboard. You could literally put a cardboard cutout of Batman in every scene, and it would be better than him. Since he's given solid performances elsewhere, I tend to blame the script, the director, and the over the top performances of Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones.


And seriously, if you don't watch Willow, and go, "Oh, my. That is a pretty man," then there's something wrong with you. I don't care if you're a man or woman, gay or straight. If you have eyes and you can see him, you know. He's a pretty man. And he probably hates you.

41 comments:

  1. Have you seen the photos for "Citizen Twain" (play about Mark Twain) You might recognize the guy in the lead role... just sayin'. (Okay, so technically, it's the only role, as it's a one-man show.)

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  2. Ahh, Madmortigan, how pretty thee were but then you got fat and hurt my eyes - http://fatvalkilmer.com

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    1. He's still pretty. There's just more of him to love. And I do. ;)

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    2. More cushion for the pushin' :D

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  3. How about Top Secret? That was the first movie I saw him in and he had some hotness going on in that mess.

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  4. Top Secret! Exactly! One of the finest films evah.

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  5. I just love Val Kilmer! I also loved him in Tombstone, and True Romance is one of my favorite movies. Spartan is also good and so is The Saint I think...
    I like him fit, fat, or Doc Holliday sickly.

    Great post, thanks!
    Danna

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  6. What a great post to read to kick my day off. :) First off, LOVED, LOVED, LOVED....Willow! And he was ridiculously pretty! My Cousins and I watched that VCR tape so many times that we eventually wore it out!

    As far as I can tell, you speaketh the truth here, Val Kilmer may not agree on every point, but again, like you said, he likely wouldn't care if it's all not spot on, even though it probably is.

    Thanks for a smile with this one first thing this morning! :)

    ~hl~

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  7. I began showing my kiddos the Ewok movies at a young age too. Before Star Wars. I must say they have an Ewok obsession too. I fell in love with Val Kilmer in The Saint. I have a soft spot for any of his movies. Thanks for the great post.

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  8. You must, must, MUST watch "The Saint", I too am a Val Kilmer lover, and The Saint is amazing!

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    1. Amen! I loved Val Kilmer in "The Saint"

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  9. I love the Saint!! Want a weird Val Kilmer vibe, though? Watch the animated Prince of Egypt. Val Kilmer's voice as Moses is very different indeed.

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  10. My dad seriously is Val Kilmer's clone. It's crazy!

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  11. Man, I love Batman Forever. But I love Joel Schumacher. Watch that movie again, and you can tell the same guy who directed The Lost Boys directed it.

    My favorite Val Kilmer film is Real Genius, though.

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  12. I really liked him in Tombstone and Heat.

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  13. LOL, Val LITERALLY makes up his own rules. On set, there are the 10 Commandments of Val: Thou shalt not look at Val. Thou shalt not speak to Val unless spoken to. Thou shalt not refer to Val as Val if he is trying to get into a role... and so on.

    I know a ton of folks who worked on Deja Vu, and died laughing when I heard this. Apparently he slept in his trailer all the time (and possibly did a lot of coke, because, hey, it's a movie set) and didn't want to come out to do this one scene. Well, they got him out, got him costumed, and he proceeded to roll around on the levee and get grass stains on his white lab coat costume. This is all second hand, but I am told he then stripped off the coat and said he'd do the scene once his costume was ready. And went back into his trailer. True story. Or, close enough with only minor embellishments.

    But I fell in love with Madmartigan, too. And who can forget Top Secret!? Skeet surfing, yah!

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  14. Wiiiiilllloooooow! Best movie ever.

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  16. Hmm not used to Blogger, sucks you can't edit comments. Whoops.

    The Saint, Willow, Salton Sea, Tombstone and Red Planet are my fav Kilmer flicks. Hawt...with a voice to match.

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  17. Have you seen To Kill the Irishman? Not bad.

    My fave Kilmer line ever? "I'm your huckleberry "

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    1. It was a most wonderful portrayal of Doc Holiday.

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  18. Your post have the information that is help full and very informative.
    Alluria Anti Aging Cream

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  19. Hi Amanda, I have a question about kdp I hoped you might be able to answer. I need to edit the content of my book to fix a few errors. Just wondering if this affects ranking or what is the best time of day or day of the week to do this?

    I thought you might be the perfect person to ask.

    Thanks,
    Rachel

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  20. When I read, "Meh. I'm gonna eat some tacos." I almost spewed my water all over my monitor. He he he thank you for that. ;)

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    1. I had the same response! Loved it!

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  21. "My perception is that I've never done anything but work really hard."
    -Val Kilmer

    See, you have a ton in common. Why not send him an email?
    I bet he'd have lunch with you. Tell him it's research.
    (grin)

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  22. I'm curious if you ever saw "The Traveler" and what your thoughts on it were.

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  23. I agree on The Saint (plus Elisabeth Shue is hot in that movie), but my favorite Val Kilmer movie (nobody mentioned it above, and I know no one will agree with me) is The Ghost and the Darkness... fantastic movie.

    Great blog Amanda!

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  24. Yeah, you're right, Amanda. He was HOT back in the day! hehe

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  25. I was blown away too when I saw a recent film with him in it because I remember what he looked like in Top Gun and I thought: "Holy cow! What happened to him?" Because if you compare him to Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise hasn't changed as much as he has. But then again, Tom Cruise has had numerous plastic surgeries, I would imagine.

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  26. I've loved Val Kilmer since Willow!! To this day my husband and I add the word "peck" after either asks the other for water (even when saying please). I love most of his movies. But then I saw Fat Val Kilmer and I was like "eew what happened to you??" ... that is, until I saw Fat Val Kilmer in MacGrubber. Now I love him again, plain or Fat. I'm sorry I doubted you, Val Kilmer!

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  27. Best movie by Val Kilmer ever, and the trailer is seven separate flavors of awesomesauce.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzn2izehkno

    Also: You are right about BATMAN FOREVER pritnear ruining Batman forever.

    Also-also: It is possible to have fun actors in terrible movies, as it takes a great deal of talent to put (a) Daniel-flipping 007 Craig into (b) a British gangster movie that (c) manages to put the audience to sleep? HOWEVER: you have to admit LAYER CAKE may be slightly less awful than Kilmer in THE SAINT.

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  28. So essentially you're saying that Val Kilmer is the Honey Badger. "Val Kilmer don't care, he don't give a sh!t."

    Gotcha. ;)

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  29. I have an obsession with Val Kilmer too. It started in College.

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  30. Does this mean you've never seen Thunderheart? Man, I loved that movie.

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    1. Thunderheart is fantastic and Val is adorably hot in it. <3

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  31. This was great. Totally understandable. Go Val. Eat those tacos.

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